25. Santa Brought Us Organic Tampons And Bad Puns

This weeks hosts swap crude holiday jokes, argue about Elf on the Shelf, and admit how adult life reshapes Christmas spirit. They share prank stories, small traditions, and why gift cards might be smarter than guesswork and then finally settling the Die Hard question with a wink.

Transcript

Crude Holiday Disclaimer

SPEAKER_00 0:00

An unconventional threesome is a comedy podcast hosted by three rude, crude, and tattooed dudes. We tell you this so you can shield your children's eyes and cover their ears. If you don't, we're not responsible for the fun and exciting new words that they start using. Enjoy. Now, let's just say it. Usually hosted by three dudes who have no business having a podcast. My name is John, and I am most certainly on the naughty list this year.

SPEAKER_03 0:57

I name MK and I'm wishing for Christmas cookies for Christmas. No, I'm not. I don't know why I said that.

unknown 1:07

You never know just where we are.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

And Jay's here with the elf on the shelf. They kind of clean it up today.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Good thing you're about the size of an elf on a shelf.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

That's what it is, man. I'm travel size for your convenience. MK, thank you for filling in. D money got stuck in his Christmas onesie. And after a close call butt emergency, his saint of a wife is sewing a trapdoor in there for him until they figure out the zipper situation.

SPEAKER_04 1:38

Okay, that's passing up the joint.

SPEAKER_03 1:42

Always a pleasure.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

I got nothing. My brain's hardly working right now.

SPEAKER_03 1:51

You don't have a joke?

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Oh no, I got plenty of jokes, but I have those written down. My uh my free ball is not great right now, so it appears Jay's gonna be carrying us in that respect.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Well, it's like all those memes coming to the end of the year, and it's like me at work. I ain't doing shit.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Don't even ask. Fuck no. Fuck no. I got one day left until my week off vacation. Tomorrow is not a lot gonna be going on for me.

SPEAKER_03 2:23

If you need help in the joke department, I have some that are theme-related and like finance related.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

Outstanding. Can't wait.

Rapid‑Fire Christmas Finance Jokes

SPEAKER_00 2:34

All right. Let's let's put Jim Gaffigan up here. Let's go.

unknown 2:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:41

Why don't debt collectors ever go down the chimney? Because they prefer to knock on the front door to ask for the remittance advice for their milk and cookies.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Oh dear God. What? I knew like eight of those words.

SPEAKER_03 3:01

What do you call an insolvent snowman?

SPEAKER_05 3:06

Over my head.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

Good. This is how I felt the last time I was on with your jokes. But a meltdown.

SPEAKER_05 3:19

Why did the Christmas tree get into trouble? Because it was naughty. Bingo. What's yours?

SPEAKER_03 3:32

Customer says the check is in the mail. Santa says, and I'm flying a sleigh with eight reindeer. Let's see who arrives first.

SPEAKER_05 3:42

How much did Santa pay for a sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

What's Santa's favorite type of music?

SPEAKER_03 3:59

Rap music.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

Nailed it. What do you call Santa when he stops moving?

SPEAKER_02 4:07

Fat bastard.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Santa pause.

SPEAKER_05 4:20

You got another one?

SPEAKER_00 4:22

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

SPEAKER_02 4:26

Rational. An adult.

SPEAKER_00 4:28

A rebel without a claws.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

Oh good God.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Last one. And this one is from my good friend Rakon. What do you call it when Mrs. Claws puts on tight pants? Mistletoe.

SPEAKER_05 4:51

Oh Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

That was the best one.

SPEAKER_03 4:58

And I can't take credit for any of mine. They were told by somebody else to me today, so at work.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

They shouldn't take credit for them either.

SPEAKER_03 5:11

Granted, she's in the collections department, so that's why they're all collector related.

SPEAKER_05 5:21

Let's get into the questions.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

At what age do you feel that kids should stop believing in Santa? And what age did you stop believing?

SPEAKER_02 5:37

Funny, you should ask. So I have a sister who is eight years older than me. And I was probably eight-ish. She was 16. And we were all the four of us out to dinner, Chinese food somewhere. It was wonderful. Anyway, they were kind of trying to see if I still believed in Santa Claus at that point. And my rude self looked at my father and said, Well, there's a fat bearded guy putting gifts under the tree, but I don't think he's sliding down the chimney. And they all laugh fine. But it pissed my sister off. And I was like, I looked at my mother and said, What is her problem? Well, she wanted you to still believe. I was like, Alright, well, I you know, kids, you talk to people, it's only gonna last for so long. She left, he goes, You you realize she just stopped believing a few years ago. I said, What? Apparently like late junior high, my sister literally got into fights with people over whether or not Santa Claus was real. Wow. I got a kick out of that. So I was probably eight-ish, I would say. So reasonable age is where I was at. Put it that way.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Yeah, I think I was. So I have two brothers, one two years younger, one five years younger. I want to say I was right around third grade, and it was at school that you know kids were dashing dreams.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

Yeah. Should we do a spoiler alert on this episode in case D listens to it? Because I don't know where he's at with the beliefs.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

I mean, we do give a warning at the beginning of this episode that kids shouldn't be listening to it anyways. So it's very true. Sorry, I guess, if you're irresponsible. Yeah, so I mean, I I don't even know how old kids in third grade really are anymore because I don't fucking pay attention. It depends on how stupid they are, John. Yeah. But I I feel like third that age range was a pretty reasonable time, but at the same time, I had to keep up the charade for years so I didn't, you know, piss off my parents because I ruined it for my brothers. So they I mean, I may have ruined it for them a little bit earlier than I did. Uh or I, you know, found out, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:20

So nobody should ever stop believing in Santa. Therefore, did you have Santa Homeschool? Oh geez, yes, I did. We might not have been a full Christian family, but we were a Christmas family.

SPEAKER_05 8:39

So how old were you?

SPEAKER_03 8:44

Part of me still believes, but I was probably right around eight, nine.

SPEAKER_02 8:49

So nine and whatever age, we're not gonna disclose because you know, ladies don't age. Gotcha.

SPEAKER_03 8:59

You can believe in Santa until you're 99.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

How old are kids in third grade? According to Google, Google, they are typically eight to nine years old. Fuck yeah, we're on the s wow, we are on the same page again for once.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

Look at that.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

I had a follow-up to that, but I forgot what it was.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

I also remember, so my father used to really put on a show with it. So he had, you know, the the big winter boots, and he would actually track in snow for where the milk and cookies are laid out, and you know, the the carrot for the reindeer. And he would actually like nibble on everything a little bit. And one year he left a note. I think he I don't know if it was like a like an easel or some kind of giant drawing art pad or something he had done for my sister. And I was too young to remember, obviously, since we've got such an age difference, but they told me the story that you know dad wrote a note on it, and it scared the living shit out of her. She was like, Oh my god, Santa gets in our house. She's like, That's where the tree is. This happens every year. She freaked out about it.

Keeping The Magic Alive At Home

SPEAKER_03 10:18

Oh no. There's two things I have to say on this subject. One is I wrote letters to Santa through a mailbox ornament on my grandparents' tree until I was like almost 20. And two, the biggest thing I remember about this topic, Jay, you were talking about you know keeping the spirit alive for siblings. I was the oldest, and I remember one year for Easter, we all got like gum packs in our Easter baskets. And I remember seeing the big like wholesale boxes for the gum in the trash, and I tried to hide them from my little sister.

SPEAKER_00 11:04

Well, and going back to what Jay was saying about tracking in snow, I know parents are now doing like flour to make it look like there's ash on the floor if you have a chimney or to make it look like snow, I'm not entirely certain what they're going for, but yeah, you put flour on the bottom of boots, or they have stencils for it. And I remember what I was gonna say, MK and I were living in our second apartment together one Christmas, and wake up the next morning, we go to exchange gifts, and I'm looking, I'm like, there are presents here that were not here the night before. What the fuck? And they were written on it to me and her from Santa. I'm like, did my fucking mother-in-law break into my apartment? What is happening here? And Michaela MK doesn't fuck with me all that much, but when she does, it comes so far out of goddamn left field that I believe it. So I'm like, oh my god, where the fuck? I mean, there were pillows, and that yeah, it was her that put them there, but it just fucked with my head for hours until she finally messed up. It was Santa.

SPEAKER_03 12:25

Good on you. I win every once in a while.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

It's nice to see you win one here and there. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

I mean, it's not hard for her to win one because she doesn't do it all that often. It just messes with my head.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

Every now and then just breaks out the launch codes on you. Good deal.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

That's the trick. You can't be uh too, you know, obvious, I guess.

Pranks, Partners, And Surprise “Santa” Gifts

SPEAKER_00 13:02

Next question I got Elf on the Shelf, Q tradition or surveillance nightmare?

SPEAKER_03 13:10

Oh, stupid. Bad idea.

SPEAKER_02 13:16

Even I mean, at least if you do the whore in the drawer, you can just shut it and you just change drawers here and there, it's easier.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Uh my my perspective on it is if we have to hire a doll to watch your children and move them every day and say, oh, don't touch it because uh Santa will get mad and da-da-da-da. Here's an idea. Punish your children so you don't have to make up bullshit, and they grow up to be decent human beings.

SPEAKER_02 13:55

So no gentle parenting, gotcha.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

Discipline, not punishment.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Yeah, that's what I was going for.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

I don't know. I always I always thought that you know, saying Santa's got a list and you know he's he's watching should be enough. Now we actually have to have a recon. Unless it's fun for dads to do crazy stupid shit with it, I I don't understand it either.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Yeah, kind of get the under, you know, the feeling that I get from my friends and family that have children is that it's more of a burden after a while. I mean, yeah, you get some creative juices flowing on how to you know set shit up, but after because I mean it pops out what December 1st, so you got 24 days of trying to think of something creative, and yeah, Reddit, Pinterest, Google, ChatGPT, all those are going to be you know decent after a while of you know figuring out shit for you, but yeah, I think it all comes down to discipline, and this is just a I can't get behind it.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

Man, let's not discount horror movies. If anyone has seen Childs Play or any of the other movies where dolls do some shit, can you imagine you're a dad, you're freaking exhausted, you can't remember what the wife did with the thing the next day, and you go into the bathroom and it's fuck. Yeah, I don't need a shot to the ticker like that, man. Uh-uh. That's why I think my favorite one was the I'm sure you've seen it. The eaten chicken wings. So it's just it looks like a skeleton. If you take take two or three chicken wings and just take the network's like, there, that's the last one.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

With the little hat and whatever. Some of the videos of like the dog getting a hold of the elf and the kids just freaking the fuck out because they think Santa's not gonna come now because the dog is touching the elf, and it's just gold.

Elf On The Shelf: Fun Or Burden

SPEAKER_02 16:02

Or Barbie on the stripper pole with the elf waltzing. Or the elf with the cheese grater and the marshmallow man, you know, those kind of things. I get amusement out of it, but I don't have to set anything up. I would be yeah, because you you wind up forgetting. 24 days, yeah. Dad's tired enough.

SPEAKER_05 16:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:28

And it's just another thing to buy that we don't need.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

I mean, fortunately, if you are smart with it, you only gotta buy it once. But I mean, they have all of these expansion packs and animals to go along with it, and it's like, what the actual fuck?

SPEAKER_03 16:50

Yeah, yep, commercialization.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

I'm trying to think of like anything that is even remotely similar to this when we were growing up.

SPEAKER_02 17:03

Nothing. Nothing was remotely similar, but now at least they got the mench on the bench so we can do the Hanukkah stuff too.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

I think it was pretty much just my the back of my parents' hand washing.

SPEAKER_05 17:31

We are cruising through these questions.

SPEAKER_03 17:34

Oh good, do so we have more time to tell personal stories? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

I got six questions, so Okay. Next question. When is it acceptable to put up Christmas decorations?

SPEAKER_02 17:54

Noon on the 24th.

SPEAKER_03 17:57

That is such a grinchy idea, Jay.

SPEAKER_02 18:00

C sick crocodile. That's me.

SPEAKER_00 18:06

I honestly can survive without ever putting them up, and I have been successful for the last two years.

SPEAKER_02 18:14

Do, because ours are not up, and I was just reminded that we didn't put them up last year either.

SPEAKER_00 18:22

Although I I guess technically I did. So at work, they have trees and decorations and shit in the basement that they ask me to drag up once a year and then drag back down when Christmas is over. But for years that I've been there, in the basement, there's been like a child's playhouse down there disassembled. And I've always tried to think of creative ways to use it. I thought about setting it up in my cubicle and then sitting inside this child-size playhouse working, realizing that I probably wouldn't even fit through the door. But what I did is I grabbed that, dragged it upstairs, threw it up against the back wall, put some fake snow with some lights, a Christmas tree, and an elf and reindeer at the top. So I guess technically I decorated for Christmas this year, but it was more of a uh jokey way of doing it, because I'm this is like the CEO's daughter's playhouse from twenty-five years ago.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

Do mistletoe belt buckles count as decorations?

SPEAKER_03 19:42

I mean, it's on theme.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Depends on where you're going, 'cause if you wear it to the nursing home, that's or a grade school, we're gonna have questions.

SPEAKER_05 19:58

Yeah, I

SPEAKER_00 20:01

I mean decorate myself for Christmas, I guess. I wear Christmas sweaters and shit like that, but they're just they're funny.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

Yeah. I think it's appropriate anytime after Thanksgiving. You get a free pass after Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_02 20:18

I a lot of people were putting it up like Halloween weekend. It's like, guys, pump the fucking brakes a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 20:24

Yeah, you still have harvest decorations at Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

But at the same time, you gotta kind of it depends on what type of decorations you're putting up. Because if you're putting stuff that needs to be put into the ground and staked into the ground, you're gonna want to do it before the ground freezes and makes it impossible. And some people put it up just be earlier because it's warmer and not negative 10 out.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

I mean, there's use out of it too, right? Because like if you do it too late, it's like, okay, great. How how long before you can take it down, right?

Decorations Timing And Lost Spirit

SPEAKER_00 21:02

Right. I mean, in reality, it should be down by J January 1st.

SPEAKER_03 21:10

Jay's decorations are up new on the 24th and then down on the 26th.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

Correct. By 11:54.

SPEAKER_03 21:18

P.M.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

A.M. before lunch.

SPEAKER_03 21:26

Very festive spirit you have.

SPEAKER_02 21:29

There it is.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Well, usually it takes us a day and a half just to get the ornaments out of the fucking boxes and back in.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

Yeah, like it's it's a lot of work to do all of it, so yeah, I didn't I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

I just I I've been a scrooge for a number of years, and I sit back and reflect on like the last time I had like any Christmas spirit and was really into the holiday. And I really think it was like eighth grade was the last time I felt this overwhelming joy for the holiday season.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

Yeah, college was the last time for me.

SPEAKER_05 22:22

Like freshman year of college. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:28

I I guess my college went a lot later than most people's, than your two colleges. But yeah, probably, you know, now that I'm in like my 30s, we don't have kids, we have cats. I don't know, it just doesn't make sense to do a whole heck of a lot. Besides listen to Christmas music, that's kind of how I get into the spirit is listening to Transsiberian Orchestra and Mary Ak Smith and Gro ho hoy.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

Well, it's gotta be a real difficulty with the cats though, because anything you hang up, they're just gonna fuck with.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

So our last two cats were great. They didn't fuck with the tree at all, but these two cats we have now are absolute psychopaths, and I don't think that tree would even get to the third tier of being up because I have a fake Christmas tree before they knock it over.

SPEAKER_05 23:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:40

But I think for me, probably when my f all my family moved away, I say all my family. You know, my dad moved out back to his family, my grandmother moved up north. I think that's probably when Christmas lost uh the the most of its luster for me.

SPEAKER_00 23:59

Yeah, I guess it's the loss of traditions, and as they slowly start to break down, it you know, that that would make sense.

SPEAKER_05 24:07

Yeah. Yeah, I still remember what go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

I still remember in eighth grade, like when Christmas time came around, we're sitting in class and coloring, and I mean just having a good time. That was the first time I ever heard Dominic the Donkey. Uh a couple other new ones that I heard. It was a good time, and the parties at school and like, for lack of a better term, potlucks, because you'd all bring some sort of food in, and you don't know. I I don't know if I changed and lost my spirit or if the world changed and caused it.

SPEAKER_02 24:58

I think MK was going down the line of we are just the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house, aren't we?

SPEAKER_03 25:05

I was gonna say for a themed episode, we're really bumming out.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Sorry.

SPEAKER_03 25:14

We're being eeyors tonight.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Well, that's what you get when you get middle-aged people together to talk about Christmas without children.

SPEAKER_02 25:26

How things used to be. Hey, traveling for Christmas is a good train. I'll tell you that. So I feel the best when I got a boarding pass for this time of year. Because it's like, okay, take me to the Caribbean or somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

I feel like I would be lynched if I wasn't around for Christmas. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_02 25:47

Oh, yeah, it's it's very much for for the handful of people that have the expectations of you. It's like, how dare you? Well. Pardon me for having a job and free will and a passport. Here we go.

SPEAKER_03 25:59

And a life that I want to enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

There it is.

SPEAKER_03 26:05

Yeah, I think a lot of people actually travel so that they don't have to participate in the holiday.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

What was that Tim Allen movie?

SPEAKER_02 26:17

The Santa Claus?

SPEAKER_00 26:18

No, the one where him and his wife were gonna travel to the Caribbean for Christmas, and then the whole neighborhood got up in arms about it. The Cranks. Christmas with the Cranks, thank you. That one was a solid movie.

SPEAKER_02 26:34

Four Christmases was good, but then again, anytime Vince Vaughn does Vince Vaughn things, it's kind of funny. So Fred Close. I don't know if I've seen that one. Yeah.

Horror Holiday Movies And Krampus

SPEAKER_00 26:46

I've been on uh I know this has kind of come as a shock to anybody that knows me, but I've been watching a fair amount of horror Christmas movies. There it is. Haven't gotten into I haven't watched Krampus yet. That's usually on the list, but I've been watching a lot of B C list horror movies, and some of them aren't bad, decent concepts, but they're just not the cinematic masterpieces one could expect out of them.

SPEAKER_02 27:16

Yeah, the wife actually has a Krampus t-shirt, and that is her uniform for when we've got to go to her family's house for Christmas.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

Love it.

SPEAKER_03 27:25

Now, do you dress up as the Grinch Jay?

SPEAKER_02 27:28

No, people recognize me without the costume.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

Alright, let's brighten shit up and go to the fucking green room.

SPEAKER_03 27:43

Woo!

SPEAKER_02 27:44

The red and green room. The red and green room.

SPEAKER_00 27:50

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SPEAKER_02 29:14

Yeah, I'll have to pick that one up as well.

SPEAKER_03 29:17

Yeah, I think we have seven or eight jars right now.

SPEAKER_00 29:24

Disgusting amount is what we have, but at the same time, like I've completely gone off of coffee, and I pretty much just run on that now.

SPEAKER_03 29:33

Yeah, we've pulled our coffee brewer maker whatever out, and I have yet to find a place to put it to put it away.

SPEAKER_02 29:43

The podcast runs on W, ladies and gentlemen.

SPEAKER_00 29:46

There you go. Sure does. I probably should have hit it a little bit before I jumped on and make my brain work a little bit better, but here we are. So once again, if you want to try out Dubby for yourself, they do have some like sample packs that you can try that comes with a shaker. They also have the tubs, they have the hydration.

SPEAKER_03 30:11

And we got the air fresheners.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Oh, yeah, we did get air fresheners. Don't get the air fresheners, they kind of suck.

SPEAKER_03 30:18

Don't say that.

SPEAKER_00 30:20

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SPEAKER_05 31:18

Thanks, Dubby. Thanks in the cub.

SPEAKER_03 31:25

Oh, yeah, they should come out with like uh holiday flavors.

SPEAKER_00 31:30

I mean, one of us is eventually gonna have to break down and get the fucking s'mores flavor.

SPEAKER_03 31:35

I thought about it. You're gonna mix that with milk?

SPEAKER_02 31:41

I'll snort it with a rolled up 20. I don't care.

SPEAKER_03 31:47

That's like my only hesitation is that you mix it with milk.

SPEAKER_00 31:52

Well, I mean, I guess I could mix it with my protein shake, but that just delays me drinking my caffeine even later. No, could I survive till 9.30 without caffeine? Probably. Well, I'd be a little sluggish for the first hour and a half of work. Nothing different there.

SPEAKER_05 32:17

Alright, let's uh let's jump back into the action.

SPEAKER_00 32:26

Is a gift card a thoughtful gift or a cop-out in your opinion?

SPEAKER_02 32:32

It can be thoughtful as a guy who for all both people I buy gifts for right now buying gift cards, yeah. The youngsters today they know what they want. And I've seen the looks on their faces when I really cogitate on a gift, and I put in the effort, and I get this look like Uncle Jay, why do you suck? When I give a gift card, I get like a smile and a high five because somebody's gonna get whatever the fuck they want. So I just roll with that at this point.

SPEAKER_05 33:11

Yeah. You gonna go ahead? Go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 33:19

So I don't know what to get you for Christmas, so you're probably gonna get a gift card because you buy all the shit you want, and there's nothing left over for me to buy.

SPEAKER_02 33:31

Vinyl is the answer. But but I don't know which ones he wants and which ones he already has, and which like I can find out vinyl, van payments, and adult type activities are the only things you need to do with some buddy. Hey God, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:50

Well, no, I always kind of kind of ran under the impression that you know, gift cards are cop-outs, it's something that you you get for someone where you don't know the person, but I see starting to kind of see the light on it because going to Jay's point, it allows them to get what they want or need versus me playing a guessing game.

SPEAKER_03 34:18

Yeah, so it depends on your recipient and it depends on the gift card. Like, was the gift card to a place that this person like really, you know, shops at a lot or uses a lot? That shows your vested, you know, mindfulness of getting a gift card for that specific place, if it's especially if it's you know, mom and pop, like nobody else's, you know, Walmart or Amazon gift cards versus you know, a gift card to the spa that they really go to and like all the time.

SPEAKER_02 34:52

And the situation's for both. Right. I'm a bigger fan of making experiences gifts. So if that's a possibility, you keep the memories, everything's great, you it's time together. But when that can't be a thing, and like I know point blank there's a specific coffee place that my niece fiends. So I get her a gift card there, and that gets her a handful of whatever the hell drink she gets. So you know, she appreciates that just as much as anything else, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 35:29

Yeah, because you're not gonna bring her 20 coffees on Christmas and say, here, here's your coffees for the next 20 days.

SPEAKER_02 35:35

You know, and funny story, the wife and I do not do gifts. We should do that too!

SPEAKER_03 35:43

I keep asking for it every year.

SPEAKER_05 35:47

Oh, you're asking for it already.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

So I I guess why are we so prone to buy gift cards in lieu of giving just cash?

SPEAKER_02 36:06

For me, it's because I don't want it to be used by the wrong people in the household. And it seems a little it's it's like one step up thoughtfulness.

SPEAKER_00 36:21

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:24

But it also we do experiences, so we decided a long time ago that rather than doing gifts for birthdays or Christmas, it's like, hey, what vacation are we taking next? Because we'll just bundle that, you know?

SPEAKER_04 36:38

Right.

SPEAKER_03 36:38

Uh yeah, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 36:43

But if I specifically ask someone what they want for birthday, Christmas, or something like that, and they just tell me gift cards, I'm going to punish you. I'm trying to be thoughtful. I'm trying to be thoughtful.

SPEAKER_03 37:07

He will make you work for that gift card. I I assure you, this is very true.

SPEAKER_02 37:13

Make a donation in their name to something.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

The human fund.

SPEAKER_02 37:18

Oh, yes, money for people.

SPEAKER_00 37:20

Steinfeld reference. There was one year I gave a few of my older nephews. I don't think it was all of them though, but they wanted fork knife gift cards, so uh, or V-Bucks, whatever the fuck they're called. So I took two pieces of two by fours for all of them, put the gift cards between them, and proceeded to put all kinds of screws, nuts, bolts, fasteners, hinges of every sort, every size, different threads. It was just an absolute shit show to get apart because you needed a different tool for every single fastener on there. That one was fun. I still got one kicking around.

SPEAKER_03 38:14

And then there was that year that you had the it was in a gift card, I believe it was money, but it was taped or glued into two pages of a book. The book was specifically how to end your phone addiction.

SPEAKER_00 38:31

Yep. That was a good one. I was hoping those idiots would read it, but they didn't.

SPEAKER_02 38:37

So the thing is the weirdest or funniest gift you guys have gotten, even if it was like a mistake or a gag or something like that.

SPEAKER_00 38:48

They talked about this on the radio the other day, too, of like the biggest flop of a gift that you got. And I honestly I couldn't think of an answer for that. And I think the most surprising gift that I got was my Ruger 9mm from my brother. That one caught me so off guard and by surprise, and it was unexpected, and there's a whole story behind that. When I graduated from college and I was in the process of moving out on my own, I had requested a firearm for my graduation present. And you've probably picked up that I'm kind of sarcastic and jokey and can be kind of an asshole at times. Well, let me tell you, that was a nature nurture type situation where that was you know, my family's kind of that way. So my parents wrapped up a box. They taped like a Glock picture and specs on the front of it, and I opened the box, and it was a ketchup and mustard gun with some rocks or weights in it, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. Uh I don't think that was the intention that they had, but it was just such a fucking letdown. But, anyways, my brother, a couple years later, is when he bought that pistol for me, and that one was definitely one of the ones that shocked me the most.

SPEAKER_02 40:35

Well, I had a similar situation, and I'll I'll give you a two for here. So that movie A Christmas Story, when Ralphie gets his BB gun, and he's got a like look- it's like the last gift he's gotta look behind the corner or whatever. So I was probably 18. 17, somewhere around there. And my parents' living room, they had a big bookcase. You know, built in, whatever 70s furniture. And the Christmas tree was on the other side of the room, so all the gifts are done. And you know, dad started joking, kind of like the dad on the Christmas story. You know, did you get everything you wanted? You know, what's that thing over there in the corner? So I joked. I I got up to look. And yeah, it was the first rifle I bought. Or not a not that I bought the first major rifle I was given. So I was like, that's pretty awesome. Yeah, that that one was shocking. And on the other end of the spectrum, I won't call it a flop, but it was just gather around and and picture the embarrassment. This was kind of fun. About two years ago, my boss she always sends out gifts. Sometimes it's Amazon related because we're all over the country. And sometimes Amazon gets hacked, sometimes weird shit gets shipped in places. So my boss, I thought it was a Christmas gift because it showed up at Christmas. Turns out it wasn't the real gift, the real gift showed up a couple of days later. Um, I opened it up, it was a box of like organic tampons.

SPEAKER_03 42:17

Nice.

SPEAKER_02 42:19

So the next day we're talking, I said, Hey, did you send us anything from Amazon this year? She was like, Oh yeah, did you get it already? I said, Can you tell me what it was or if you had ordered anything else maybe for yourself? And she's like, just out with it. And we get along fine. So we're able to, you know, be on filters. Like, did you send me a box of organic tampons on purpose? She was like, Fuck, no, I've not had, because no, I don't buy those either. I said, I thought you were trying to tell me to toughen up or something.

SPEAKER_03 42:51

Yeah, she's calling you a lady.

SPEAKER_02 42:53

I thought this was a performance review type thing. She's like, No, it isn't. Like, okay.

SPEAKER_03 42:59

Jay's the type of worker that needs tampons to get through his day.

SPEAKER_02 43:03

That was it. And of course, lucky for me, the wife was like, Oh, those are actually really good. I wanted to try those. So now we've got brand loyalty.

SPEAKER_05 43:13

So win-win. I'll take it. All right, what about you, MK?

SPEAKER_03 43:23

I'm trying to think, like the thing that was the most surprising was when I was a kid and parents got us a trampoline. I would never I never kind of expected a trampoline. So that was like the I think the most surprising. Yeah, I think that's it. I d I can't remember any like huge shockers.

SPEAKER_00 43:57

I don't even fucking remember what I've bought you the last 17 years that we've been together.

SPEAKER_03 44:02

So I thought that silence was you waiting for me to to bring up something that you got me one year.

SPEAKER_00 44:08

Yeah, I have no fucking idea.

SPEAKER_02 44:10

17 years, that's pretty amazing.

SPEAKER_00 44:14

Yeah, we've been, I think it's yeah, 2008. Yep.

SPEAKER_05 44:20

Yeah, math checks out. Alright.

SPEAKER_00 44:29

Final question Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 44:40

I always say, sure, if you want it to be a Christmas movie. I am happy with it being a Christmas movie. I'm happy with it being not a Christmas movie.

Is Die Hard A Christmas Movie

SPEAKER_02 44:52

So it's not a Christmas movie solely based on the fact it happens at Christmas time. It's not a Christmas movie based on the season, the decoration, etc. It's a guy going through inconvenience and bullshit he doesn't want to to deal with family he's not excited to deal with.

SPEAKER_03 45:10

Isn't he like going through Christmas? That's great. Isn't he like going through a divorce or something?

SPEAKER_02 45:17

Uh yes.

SPEAKER_03 45:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:19

Holly stuff using the plane.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

He's also crawling through an HVAC system, which is usually tied to a chimney at times. So he's essentially Santa Claus. Which makes it a Christmas movie.

SPEAKER_03 45:38

And the Christmas spirit keeps their relationship going, if I remember correctly. At the end.

SPEAKER_00 45:47

That and the destruction of Hans Gruba.

SPEAKER_02 45:52

So I they call it an advent calendar, right? Yep. So you can try to look it up. Pretty sure there is a Nakatomi Plaza advent calendar where every day he falls further down the building.

SPEAKER_05 46:09

I love that.

SPEAKER_03 46:12

So Trader Joe's this year. I went to Trader Joe's, it must have been in November. They were selling advent calendars for dogs and cats. They had little freeze-dried treats in the days, and I was like, I am absolutely buying these.

SPEAKER_00 46:32

The animals love them.

SPEAKER_02 46:34

Yeah. Yeah. Look up the Nakatomi Plaza Advent Calendar.

SPEAKER_00 46:40

I'll have to find it. Post a picture to the Facebook page.

SPEAKER_02 46:44

16 bucks at Walmart.com.

SPEAKER_00 46:48

That seems expensive.

SPEAKER_03 46:52

But it's years worth of fun. I'm sure you could reuse it over and over again, right?

SPEAKER_05 46:59

I'm sure. Yeah. Make it tradition.

SPEAKER_02 47:08

Our tradition, which is gonna be really easy to pull off, is Operation Manger Stranger. That's what I call it. Ooh, what is this? I started with a Yoda in her robe because it was incognito, looking like a wise man. And it's been a Batman figurine as well. Whenever we go to my mother-in-law's house, as soon as she puts the nativity scene up, I just slap a foreigner in there and see if she ever picks up on it.

SPEAKER_03 47:39

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 47:42

Well, it's like the people I saw a video or picture or something like that, some sort of media. Every time he went to his parents' house, he would replace a family photo with a picture of Jeff Goldblum to see how long it would take him to realize it. And this is this huge fucking wall of Jeff Goldblum headshots.

SPEAKER_02 48:05

It just shows that his family does not look at any photo they've hung up ever.

SPEAKER_00 48:10

Exactly. I don't know how long it would take me to realize if my MK started fucking with shit around here, probably take me a while too.

SPEAKER_03 48:18

I've thought about rearranging your records, but I haven't gotten the uh gumption to do that yet.

SPEAKER_00 48:26

In a bad way?

SPEAKER_03 48:28

Your display records. Well, no. The way the Ice Nine Kills ones are right now, I just I want to rearrange them so badly.

SPEAKER_05 48:41

Probably wouldn't notice. Let's wrap it up.

SPEAKER_02 48:54

Thank you so much for Do we have a Christmas E Craigslist catastrophe?

Holiday Mischief And Traditions

SPEAKER_00 48:59

I spent like an hour trying to find these, and I couldn't decide between three of them, so we're getting them all. So thank you for joining us. Certainly hope you have a fantastic holiday season. This has been a wild year, and looking into next year, I don't think we'll have another episode before next year, but hope you stay safe and healthy and have a fantastic time with your family.com. You can also send us a text or you can comment on the social media. Once again, thank you to our sponsor Dubby. Let's get into these Craigslist catastrophes.

SPEAKER_05 50:19

First one I found is out of Carlsbad.

SPEAKER_00 50:26

And I'm gonna post a picture of this to the social media as well. New Funny Gingerbread Man Woman Christmas Tree Ornament Style Doggy. I'm sorry. New Funny Gingerbread Man Woman Christmas Tree Ornament Doggy Style. Five dollars.

SPEAKER_05 50:47

Next one I have is out of Northwest Hills Connecticut. I believe this was out of activity partners.

SPEAKER_00 51:00

This definitely seems like it should have been a Miss Connections, but anyways. Santa's wishes to meet the person he was talking to in Torrington Big Y. Hard to find friendly friends around the holidays. Let's chat. Nice. And the last one. Monday twelve eight twenty five. I saw you while Christmas shopping at Walmart in Woodsville. You looked incredible in your Christmas Mrs. Claus outfit. I said you just made my day. Shot in the dark. Maybe you'll see this. This is John.

SPEAKER_03 51:46

This is MK.

SPEAKER_00 51:50

See you guys next year. The funniest joke ever.